Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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