If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize