Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
