Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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