Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
