I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
