i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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