My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
