I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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