I think I won the penis lottery.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
