ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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