i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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