i was born a porn star she said
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
