I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
