You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
