Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
