and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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