i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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