everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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