i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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