remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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