I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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