If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
