today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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