you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
