Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
