Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
