he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
