weddingsv make me drug and hornr
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
