Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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