in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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