Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
