you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
