Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
