I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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