just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
