I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
