She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
