I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize