I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
