Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
