Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
