I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
