everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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