i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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