the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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