i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
sarcasm needs its own font
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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