Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
