we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
