Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
