i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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