He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
