The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
