Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
