I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
