I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize