just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
