I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
