Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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