Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
